so, she's 20 now, and I will also say I'm 20 even though I'm not because that's how I act


I'm Reinhilde (you can call me Hilde, for short), and this is my story. Or rather, this is Ellenor's story.

We'll start with what we know.

Around the time she was aged 8, nobody was any the wiser about anything being weird about her, other than that she had what was then called Asperger's syndrome (high function autism) and a bit of anxiety. At the time, everyone thought she was a boy, as one would with someone who has a penis who acts stereotypically masculine and has not refuted that assumption. She was a high achiever in school and her parents not-so-jokingly referred to her as “the next Bill Gates” and more jokingly, as their retirement plan. She was then put on aripiprazole for her high anxiety, which she described as “The Voices.”

For the first year or two, things actually got better. Her grades faltered a bit, but it was nothing to be alarmed about, as she was still the top of her class. She gained a bit of weight, but she was never a skinny kid, so that was considered normal. Then, her family moved her to Canada, twice, for her dad's job. By this time (we're coming up on 2012. The timeline is a little foggy for us, so please forgive my changing story), her grades were already substantially sliding as she entered secondary school in grade 7 in the UK. She became a deadbeat student. She couldn't access that brilliant part of her mind as well anymore, which could rote memorize, truly learn, and do all of this while making it look completely normal, almost like she was idling. By the time she had come to Canada a second time (which would have actually been 2012; the first time, she never actually went to school), she was no longer gifted, but instead disabled. To be clear, we are still considered gifted as far as our intellectual capacity goes, but no longer could Ellenor use that in the 8th grade.

Around the time of the Canada move, Ellenor developed a full IRC addiction, and found the furry fandom, part of which we remain to this day (I was created into it, in fact). Initially she was able to keep her computer addiction out of the classroom, but with the neuroleptic dementia syndrome (as we'll call it; note that no actual dementia occurred), her tomfoolery (which was undoubtedly an attempt to soothe the neuroleptic dementia) ultimately entered the work environment too. She couldn't get anything done. Her grades collapsed. She became violent as her needs could no longer be met in the classroom environment, and as salvage treatment was put into special school. This worked, for 3/4 of a grade, which carried her to the middle of grade 9, where she decided enough was enough, she was already on two different psych meds at this stage, I think, (aripiprazole and sertraline), she quit, and then she had a psychotic break. This led to her being hospitalised. I apologise that I'm merging some historical events. There's a reason I call it neuroleptic dementia syndrome! It was either this hospitalisation or the second one about a year later (would have been in grade 10 except she dropped out by accident after the first one where she was admitted to a respite care facility) after which she was put on valproate, which finally produced improvements for her mental state, and on which she would remain for about two years until late 2018, when after nearly a year of being on a ketogenic diet, and about a whole year of my existence, we were taken off it by accident by our carers at the youth group care facility we then lived at.

You'll see this paragraph and think… ok, Hilde's missing some details here. I am. I didn't mention when she realised she was trans (which I believe was in about 2013 or 14). I didn't mention that time she threw her mum to the floor in self-defence.

Ok. So she realised she was trans when she had already been on the dopa-killer meds for, eh, 6 years? Knowing that antipsychotics that early can destroy brain development (she experienced that first-hand, by losing access to her intelligence outside of using it for computer coding, which we've lost lately), and jack with prolactin levels, I find it believable that her brain gender was changed by them, too, although I don't actually believe that that happened, only that that could have been what had happened. Hence the subject line.

Lately, much to my dismay, she's been in control of her body less and less (I've been steering it for her, to try to piece her life back together. I've not been doing too good a job), and she's generally become weaker and weaker. She's perhaps comparable to a therian rather than a mere furry fan nowadays - being a husky dog is integral to her identity, and the vain hope for that reality is the only thing that keeps her going in her darkest conscious hours.

  • astraealetter.txt
  • Last modified: 2020/09/26 10:48
  • by ellenor2000