jotspot

Jotspot's story about stupidly self-castrating using a burdizzo. She was worried for her very life! DO NOT DO THIS!

With gracious thanks to https://reddit.com/u/jotspot for giving me a license to post this.

I HAVE UNRESOLVED BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND BIPOLAR NOS, AND THESE AFFECT MY JUDGMENT AND INHIBITIONS. DO NOT ATTEMPT!

For the backstory… I had a history of bipolar, but when I first went manic on antidepressants years ago, the psychiatrist missed the diagnosis. During first lockdown, I had extreme anxiety but no noticeable depression symptoms - I can't figure out whether that or I'd become so used to mild depression that whatever my normal was, that's just how things were. I fought vigorously to get HRT last summer, successfully.

I started on various regimens, but didn't take to AAs well - Cyproterone and Bicalutamide caused catastrophic depression and I nearly killed myself, but found out I could get an orchiectomy legally early (through transition referral)..stopped taking Cypro and went bipolar on the rebound. This could be because of a hormonal imbalance and/or the Cypro triggered/awakened it, but it was chaos. I also had diagnosed “ideopathic orchialgia” on the right testical. (This means severe testicular pain for no rhyme or reason, which the urologist said was likely due to a past injury. He told me the normal solution is to wait and see if it resolves and if it doesn't to remove it…but because I'm trans he had decided that was never going to happen, because I was eventually going to get it through another path)…I was prescribed NSAIDs to use as needed until my expected orchi, which was supposed to happen this spring.

I was worried about a lot of things, and bought “Plan B” but never thought I'd actually do it. I got everything medically approved right? But there were endless delays…for months, all the while basically have no T suppression at 85% of pre-HRT T levels within 3 weeks of stopping Cypro - thus being forced to visibly revert to male while already socially transitioned to female. My hair was falling out in clumps, and even my laser wasn't working anymore, despite moving to the third and last option - a micro-dose of Spironolactone…. My orchi was supposed to happen this spring, then it was pushed back an additional 18 months due to processing backlogs… and then one day last week, I got a message that my orchi funding approval had been declined on a technicality… I was hugely upset. These mental issues have a way of accentuating this. I thus did not feel fear, or inhibitions, or anything but impulsivity at the time. I did not fear for my life. I even acknowledged the possibility, but had zero anxiety whatsoever. For the record, I used to go to the store to buy clothes and my hand would literally quiver, but I had no such emotion then.

I felt I was driven into a corner. I couldn't get my orchi, and felt I had no chance of living in any capacity… I made the decision to do it that day, and did a great deal of research to ensure what “safety” I could. (It wasn't safe at all if you didn't get the drift…)

I stopped taking all of my prescriptions that day including my antidepresant medication and Spironolactone, worried about potential low blood pressure because I planned to inject dental lidocaine. Also Spironolactone retains potassium, and I read that dead tissues (IE: if successful) somehow turn into or spike potassium… which could cause heart problems, potentially even death.

I took one of the NSAIDs, applied topicaine gently to the scrotum, used hydrogen peroxide on a cotton ball to sanitize the vials and the area to be treated and waited, reading. I learned the emergency procedures from the lidocaine package for things included injecting a benzo in an emergency and putting the “patient” under oxygen… Since I didn't have injectable benzos on hand and had not planned for this contingency, I took one of my Lorazepam (I use for anxiety usually) pre-emptively, to ensure there was some already in my system ahead of time - despite feeling zero anxiety about the whole thing. It also mentioned oxygen, so I kept an inhaler at hand - the best I could come up with. I kept my cell phone ready to call 911 beside me. I'd read in medical journals that they used 5-10ml for each side for the nerve block for procedures on testicals, so after some time fiddling around figuring out where the cord was I made sure there was no air in the needle by lightly squeezing it to spurt some and then injected 5ml of dental lidocaine. I waited 10 or 15 mins, and then took the burdizzo to the one testical and clamped down on the cord. I'd read 30-120 seconds was best from various sources in Eunuch communities, but for animals it was as low as 10 seconds. I did try twice but held the second firmer and longer than the first attempt and was satisfied holding for ~90 seconds… I felt 3 “pulses” and then nothing. I don't think it was blood pulses, but more like a pain pulse, but dramatically dulled…almost more like a “notice” of pain without the “delivery” if that makes sense? I was meek and was slightly lightheaded and had the anaesthesia-induced insta-gag (without any prior nausea)

so I thought that was my limit and didn't want to do the other that day. Later that night (several hours later) I had chest pains. I am no stranger to these….ever since I've been on Spironolactone a small spike of pain under my left breast is normal every so often. I'd had it before and doctors found nothing, but with Spironolactone it had resurged….but this was different. It was severe. But still, I felt no anxiety, I felt no fear, and I did not worry for my safety or consider going to the ER…I can't say if this was due to my mental state or the use of the Lorazepam after it kicked in, or both, but I was okay with it…After all, in my mind “the worst that could happen is I die…” (please understand how this literally meant nothing to me in the moment…)

I slept okay but woke up the next day and my ulcer had begun to get worse. NSAIDs and Spironolactone combined are bad for ulcers, because NSAIDs cause them and Spiro likely prevents the stomach from healing according to pub med. I had decided I wasn't going to do the other testical - that I'd had enough, at least until I recovered…. But the next day my ulcer went down hill. I got really bad pain in my stomach regardless of whether I ate or not, whether I moved or not, at all times of the day…I started going white and became extraordinarily thirsty - a sign of internal bleeding. But I couldn't tell if it was due to internal bleeding from crunching my spermatic cord, or internal bleeding from the ulcer(s), and now because I have been off the Sironolactone for a couple days, just like that my hair is back falling out as my T resurged on a single testicle. Also had little chest pains recurred throughout the day…So what does my impulsive Borderline personality do? “I must get the other one done quick before I might have to go to the ER!”… No thought of worry about actually recovering - no worry about why I might have to go … just that I needed to guarantee the second one was done while I still had the guts and the ability and the resources to do it… This is how not having inhibitions and emotional instability and possible hormonal imbalance can really fuck with your thinking…

So, knowing I couldn't take another NSAID… No pain meds….I again sanitized and took a lorazepam, but long before that could ever kick in I was already done everything… I injected the spermatic cord much quicker this time but only 3.5ml (worried about the 5ml being too much as it was previously), again taking care to make sure no air got into the needle. Needless to say, I felt that needle go in! No pain meds, no topicaine on the scrotum, just in! >.< …After 5 mins I crunched it quickly with the burdizzo, making sure to stagger the crimps as instructed (to ensure blood flow so everything could be reabsorbed naturally instead of cutting off complete circulation to everything, and causing gangrene)… Again I felt 3 “pulses” and then nothing… but finally something gave in me - finally my first “inhibition” ….I was so worried about what would happen in the ER that I de-clamped early…only about 20 seconds and I didn't do a second row. I quit, I was done… it was like 10 mins tops all in for the second procedure….

And since then I have been in a very mixed state of pain… I have ulcers to contend with, occasional chest pains, and the pain from the sites….I can say that the testicle that had orchialgia no longer hurts just to touch, so it must've been successful on at least the one…however now just moving can hurt the cords, especially the one that had orchialgia before - could be a coincidence, or could be what I'm just in store for. If it wasn't for supportive boxshorts “carrying them” (holding them close to the inguinal canals) I would have relentless pain just standing, sitting, or laying down - just the “hanging sensation” causes “eeks!” of pain! But again I'm no stranger to that with the previous orchalgia, just it's more common now. I can't lay down at all on my back now …which I couldn't either because of the existing problem, but it's worse, and now I can't lay on either side, have to be fully supported and am still in relative pain…with no ability to take anything for it.

My pulse and heart rate aren't stable, but I don't know if that's anxiety since the feeling finally took effect days later last night (I really didn't have a drop of anxiety or inhibition before this) … I worry that I have internal bleeding and will go to sleep and not wake up, and will finally have to go to the ER… But that's my story. Please don't do this. I may even have hurt my heart in the process… I don't know what will happen to me… If I disappear entirely I am either held in hospital (willing or unwilling), or dead…

A couple days later, she seems to be more or less out of the woods.

  • jotspot.txt
  • Last modified: 2021/03/10 03:33
  • by ellenor2000