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Trauma dump

Content warning for implied conversion therapy, not feeling satisfied with who I (Mel) am, psychiatric hospitalisation, us doing a racism glancingly mentioned.

(first two messages were in response to her calling me “sweetie” after I repeatedly admonished her not to call me “hun”)

I hope that your soul is never embittered like mine has become… 🥹

And yeah, that’s alright, I just… It isn’t true anymore. I’m not even 23 and already I’m a bitter wretch. My repertoire of jokes is almost entirely gallows humour.

I don’t want you to become how we have.

I act all cute and soft, but it’s an act. I’m not the kind vixen I seem like. I’m not baiting for your sympathy. I’ll cope. I’ll live. I’ll fight. But I am saying I am not how I seem.

you may have noticed the inconsistent use of ‘we’ in reference to myself. The explanation for that is this:

I hope you never end up like us. Prone to outbursts of extreme rage, chronically digestively ill, always looking over our shoulder… in a word, traumatized.

It’s funny, unlike you we’ve almost always managed to pass for a straight, cis bloke, even more than two years into estrogen therapy, tho our roommate at the group home, where we were sent after our second psychiatric hospital admission, shamed us for apparent homosexuality (little did he know (we’re actually mostly lesbian), lol) which I think was because of the fact that we sound like we’re from England (which we are)

but retrospectively, we should’ve figured it out a lot sooner.

Oh yeah, and Ellie was also kinda violent towards the end of elementary school. I don’t know what was wearing on the poor girl, or if it was that she’d gotten down a bad path online that made her a bit racist…

I’m dumping my entire past on a fucking minor…

You don’t even know me or any of us

It’s a bit cloying even to call me sweetie a lot, although I get that you’re a girl and the girls you had contact with growing up spoke like that so it imprinted on you (even though they thought you were a guy)

I just… it’s too flowery for me, you know? If I’m honest, years of trauma has butched us up somewhat, made us even a bit disdainful towards femininity even as we seek it out like it is the water or air we need to drink or breathe to live